joo’s corner

ok i noe this seems a bit late to talk bout it..but since it’s one of the very rare days i come home early from lab, and since i duno how to spend my extra free time today, i jus wana bleb about my experience so far in melbourne.

studying overseas has been like a massive dream for me eversince duno when..going overseas is really like a dream come true, but right now at d 4th year im here, such mixed feelings i have of my experience. my once a year trip home to malaysia is not just wonderful and blissful, but comes with a tint of fear. every year, i need to face with the one-year time lag of getting-to-know my home and hometown, the slight but eminent greying of my parents’ head, not to mention their wrinklier and sunkier skin/face, the growth spurt of my brothers, and the expansion of my tortoises in terms of their diameter. this experience, i can tell you, is one you can never get by staying in malaysia alone. and it always feel like you have travelled into the future a little bit, where by staying overseas, you are shuttled into a different world, and then brought back to your own world by the shuttle train in KLIA, at a one year fast forward track. The feeling of losing or missing time with your family and friends is slight in the first year, then becoming more and more apparent in subsequent years. Why? You know, I think I have an answer to that.

You see, some friends of mine do not notice any change, but some people just can’t help worrying about it. Thing is, the more attached you are to your family, the more noticeable things are to you. and the more you care about the difference I guess. And to me, it’s worrying and painful to see the time I lost with my life in my hometown. But do I wana return to my country for good? I can’t decide…as a sponsored scholar, a person picked and nurtured to support the country, there is the tiny conscience in me reminding the responsibility I have for my country. Yet, how many other responsibilities I have for myself and my family. The life I have established here may potentially bring so much more to my family and relatives, to enable myself to provide more for my parents, my brothers n grandparents.

Money, is a crude thing, but is all so important. It is never everything, but it allows me to bring happiness to people around me. I live a quite a luxurious life here, and I enjoy the freedom and power I have to determine what I want for my life. But when I go home, I am so saddened somtimes by the quality of life of my loved ones. I feel like I need to stay on here, to harvest what I need to bring the happiness and quality of life that my family needs. Do you know how it feels when a loved one receives a packet of choc biscuits, get so touched and happy over it, treasure every piece there is in the packet as if it is something so rare, and when you practically eat it everyday of your life. How do you feel when someone is so thrilled over a $5 aussie shirt you bought in VIC mart and thinks it is the most expensive gift they had, when you will probably not buy it for yourself? I feel so much guilt, and I felt like I could have done more. At that instance, I felt like I could have spend hundreds of dollars just to make the person happy. I feel crap. Every year, I go home with lots of gifts, yet limiting myself with a budget so that I will not overspend. Yet evry year, I go through the regret of not buying more. And I really wish I have more to make people happy. And I wish I could give more.

To stay on, gives me the chance to earn more and give more, yet depriving myself of the time I can spend with my loved ones, and enduring the complex feelings and emotion that I go through every year. To leave, I have more time with my loved ones, yet limiting a lot of things and a better life that I could potentially offer to them. I am in a dilemma.

As for myself, if asked which place I like to spend my life most, I have no idea. I am already in a state of "stuck between 2 cultures" and I have no perfect preference of either. I can’t go back yet I don’t belong here completely. Where is the place I most fit in?

At the end of this year, I will have major decision in my life. I am scared to make my decision, and I have no idea which is right. If only have a $1million dollar lottery, I will pack my bags, go home, and spend time everyday with my family. My career, however satisfying, has never and will never bring me the happiness of spending a normal day with my family. I don’t mind giving everything all up, because I know what makes me happiest. But before my $1million dollar lottery exists, I suppose I need to mine my resources to provide for my family.

oh dear..how shud i start? ok mebe i shud start with my flight to cairns..flight was at 4.15pm delayed tp 5pm..mk me so pissed off at the airport..so bought a magazine to spend time..there goes my excruciating plan to save and not to spend on unnecessary things..but anyway…the flight was boarded..landed at 830 pm..and then i was shipped to international hostel in cairns..n we had our dinner in the night market, the sleepless market where at late hours hv $5 plates of chinese food..which i think is pretty unhygienic

first look at the hostel..my god! i’ve never backpacked before..but then it was pretty horrifying for me at first..not like it’s far worse then akasia in shah alam..it was slightly better..but then again..how many years was it since those days? besides..the room was like a prisoner’s cell..jus a bunk bed n a sink..with air-con of cos..but just a bit reeky in smell..and we cant open the window..becos right outside is the alleyway where ppl pass by..and mind you..this means it is the nosiest time 24 hours..and the first nite i jus cudnt sleep at all..ppl were like partying right outside my room and sum sick person trying to drag sum metal tin pail along the floor whle night..what the heck..and sum construction going on sumwhere…i woke up feeling as if i hvnt slept for weeks..

food in cairns was a big prob..if i thought melbourne was expensive..this was far worse..in melb u still can get like $5-6 for a chinese meal or $8 for pasta etc..but in cairns..sum small little town..wana charge more than the big city..what sense does it make?? but it’s true..this place is too touristy..and targets only tourists..lots of japanese here..but i still like cairns more than gold coast..which i think was touristy as well..but at least there’s lots to do here..

well..first morning in cairns..went to rusty market n bought a regretfully huge bag of mandarins..normally i can eat alot..but it’s seriously too huge for a mandarin and eating 10 of them is too much for me..so till now..i still hv them..sigh..we also went to pier marketplace..and shopping centres ard cairns…sort of toured ard cairns..and had a harry potter movie in the afternoon..

dinner waas free in rattle n hum..but the backpacker’s meal was shockingly n rudely small..and they dun allow u to sit outside of the shop..i think it was becos they dun want ppl passing by to hv the wrong impression that they serve such small portions..but it was jus enough.. not full but felt okok…

next day..went for sea kayaking…i wasnt very enthhusiastic about gettng wet at all..and therefore definitely not going for any snorkelling no matter how nice is the view there..but right moment i stepped into the kayak..water get splashed all over fr the paddle and there..i got wet liao…kayaking is most tiring of all..n worst still we were the last..there was one point when we hv to kayak to nudey beach n we were last..n then supposedly do  a u turn…we hvnt even reached nudey beach n we had to turn..but that was fine with us..becos that means we will be first..but heck..in a few minutes we were last again…i just dun understand!!!!

when we reached little fitzroy island..we had our lunch there n it was lovely..after lunch we were brought to sum hiking plus rockclimbing n there was one part wher we had to squeeze thru a small little crevice..and i was so worried i wud fall..tat was pretty dangerous to me really..but anyway..i came out safely..and happily it was really fun..we then kayaked back and i was paired with the instructor becos i was so slow..or mebe i shud say so-not-string enough =(

we reached big fitzroy island,,changed into dry clothes n went for a jungle trail to nudey beach since we missed it while kayaking..nudey beach was supposed to be sum beach for nudes so we (actually was more to my fren) was really hoping to go..and it was true that the beach was really nude enough…as it was EMPTY…poor my disappointed companion

to be ctd..

Once upon a time there was a chick, egg and hen. The chick was a baby chicken, and so having little feathers, it was almost freezing to death. So the chick went to a hen’s nest to get some warmth there and say an unhatched egg in the nest. Carefully treading so it doesn’t harm the egg, the chick lay right beside it and slept throughout the cold wintry night. Ultimately, came the hen who wants to hatch the egg. So the hen jus sat on top of the nest without seeing that the chick is there and continue her hatching job. The next morning, the chick woke up feeling drenched, because the egg has broken and its contents is over it. The hen finally realised that its egg was broken and feeling extremely angry, accused the chick of eating her egg. She then told the whole chicken communinity about the chick eating her egg, and the whole chicken community felt extremely sorry for the hen and decided to exile the chick from their community.

So the question goes, how does the chick regain his trust and innocence in the community? The chick was being hated all chickens in the light that it had eaten an egg. Thing is, has he done it? What if he has not? Would the treatment he received be fair? But the chick feel he has his responsibility to play too..as probably him sleeping next to the egg might have caused it to break when the hen hatched it. But does the hen have anything to do with this? Does she have the blame for not looking at her beloved nest before sitting on it? But why does the whole chicken community looked at it differently and think that the chick has to pay for the whole thing? Does it make the hen less guilty just because it was HER egg that broke?

Life in the real world is even more complicated that the chick, hen and egg. Most of the time, peple to people interactions are based on trust, care and love for people you know. However, there are always differences in individuals, thus generating a whole plethora of different outlook, opinions, actions and responses to situations…and this contrasting ideas or actions may lead to misinterpretation and misunderstanding. How many of you have looked at what a friend has done in the past, and think that he or she os wrong in doing so, and thus you have personally sentenced her in a wrong-doing part of your mind or your heart? How many of us would look at couples and couple break-ups and evaluated which party was the wrong one, and in doing so, generated an opinion of his/her as the "unfaithful/untruthful" worng-doer? How would it have affected your response and relationship to this person?

Life is full of variation and differences and it is this differences that we identify, understand and pinpoint to find  among the population, people of our own kind to be with together. In a way, we find comfort of staying within our beliefs and opinions , as well as having people around us that agees and supports our beliefs. In another way, we as individuals like to be agreed upon and like to turn a blind eye to things that we dun feel comfortable with and things that we dun dare to venture upon. We tend to isolate ourselves based on our similarities and thinking.

How this nature has helped to mould our character and personality as we are now. In younger days we follow on people of our same kind, learn to change according to our friends for the benefit of acceptance into society. And as we age, we meet different people and we try to adapt as well..In the process, do we actually have lost our innate opinions and beliefs ? or have improved in the light of ebing able to blend in successfully with the Crowd. Life has taught us that a certain measure of "blending and adapting" rewards you in life. Being a "differently different" individual will most of the time lend you the label of outcast. Or have we not found our Crowd yet? I do not know..

Returning to the chick, hen and egg, there a variety of reasons to explain a situation and not that one is better than the other. The best way in a situation when it has gone awry, is to resolve the matter by resolving it n not by putting blame and taking sides. And does the simple story of  chick, hen and egg brings to your understanding that there are always another picture to the story? And how would you apply this in the future of your life in your judgement of other’s or their actions? Easier said than done, but we still have to try…not to condemn, not to blame, not to take sides, but to learn, observe and understand. The worst thing to do when two friends of yours goes head to head and you have chosen to side one but not the other. In this way, you have demonstrated, your preference for a friend and have shown to the other that you have placed him/her lower in your heart.

For me, I have learnt with the course of time to understand the differences of people and appreciate the variety they bring to my life. And forgiveness is a forever unexpired gift I give to everyone I know, whether asked or not. Choosing to remember better times would probably make my life feel less burdening, less painful, less worrisome. Easier said than done, I still strive to improve. Ironically, I have just demonstrated my way of blending in =) That’s the way of life.

P/s : personal ramblings of the mind and just putting down things that i thought of. Maybe no flow, no sense, no planning intro, body or conclusion…but appreciates people who are on the same flow and same mood. I am quite individualistic at times and sometimes feel I have few people to click with. Enough of my time for this, I have an exam to catch up with .

=)

my semester had started with a burst of vitality and enthusiasm, which was in no time drained to only persistence of the mind..being in third year means to be surged with a sudden huge wave of information to be processed at a greater speed..finally it’s time for my uni days to test my ability to manage things well and work with optimal speed..this means i have to strip away very quickly my procrastinating ways and drawling attitude when it comes to studies…especially when performance means so much this year..i jus have to rev myself up whole year and put in an extra inch of effort in all that im doing..

extra effort means more library…more concentration while studying n more readings..haha

and of course being extra professional when i go for bio21 visits as a technical assistant..must make sure i perform up to the pay i receive

extra responsibilities now make me feel a bit old and finally getting the answer i always asked when i was small..which is why adults seems to hv limited memory and need to make reminders and notes..i never had to bother about notes and reminders till now…it used to be all in the head and i didnt had much trouble remembering smallest of details…but being busy as u grow up…seems to make me more and more forgetful especially of trivial daily things…what  times are my lectures, what i am supposed to but in the supermarket, when i have to submit reports, and the calls i promise to make to family n friends…i feel so old depending on a notebook to remind me stuff …sad…mebe it’s degeneration of neurons as you grow older..

speaking of feeling old…my patience has been getting out of hand lately..and not as tolerant as i used to…is it a good thing? mebe not, but just feeling not too obliged to listen and wait all the time..

anyway…this year i have seen more control in myself, and more stability in thoughts n more organisation in the way i work…i wonder if i had make another huge step into adulthood

HE…the person i see 5 days a week but a mere 15 minutes a day…HE… who struts around with flinging arms but steers away from

hmm…how’s life now to me? well..coming back home seeing so many changes happen to my family and friends..really mk me thk alot about my life..wat i really wana achieve in life and how i wana live my life..seeing old friends growing up hving a world of their own makes me wonder if they also see me as having a world of my own…feeling tried and tested by Time over the years have made life quite mundane and colourless to me..mebe this is temporary or may be long term..whether it’s me growing over a new phase or just a bypassing mood..i seem to have lost interest in those exciting moments of meeting new people and friends..lost interest in shopping real hard for the things i want..really..i dun feel like really really wanting sumthing as hard as i used to..

meeting old friends is also another thing…to me it seems unimportant and not as exciting as before..thou i do miss those happy times i had with my friends..it wouldnt be too long that the warm closeness of every friendship will fade with distance and time..and once again if i meet them the sight and "experience" of them will just evoke memories of happier, innocent and worriless times..but not exactly the same feeling we had long time ago..

im just 21, i am not old, but do feel tired  with keeping the pace..i learn too much in these few years and grew up too fast in such a short time..maybe evryone else is also doing the same thing but i just couldnt forget the responsibilities i hold for myself n my family, the promise i put upon myself to better the lives of myself, my future n family, the bitter truth that my parents are getting older n need taking care of, the slow ugly side of adulthood dawning upon me..im just 21..i wish i could still play around..but i just dun want to still play around..

i wonder what lies ahead of me …the stuff that i put in to pave my way to "my better life". the choices i make that will mk a whole lot of difference to what i earn throughout my years..the stuff i do now that makes me look back at the age of 50 without regret or remorse..now that im 21..i realised that most of the things i dreamt i wud achieve at this age have not much been achieved..what i want myself to be, what kind of personality i wud wish to have is just different from what i could achieve..and what could i do to put myself back to track??im not sure..but i hate making big efforts..now tat im 21..alot of things which i have put off or waited for "21" to do are still waiting to be done..and 21 reminds me that there might be lots of things i may never achieve..

what do i want to do? what have i dreamt of but never moved to work towards it? plenty..and how shud i start? no idea…i wish to do as much as i can..i wish to look back at 50 with the lest regrets i can

just one day after complaining about my bad luck with job finding…i got this impressive offer..muahahhahaha…so this blog is lucky or wat…??!! =)

mr paul was like so impressed with my results and cv..went straight offering me a place..n guess wat? i was a bit reluctant to say yes thou..cos mebe the research wasnt my field of interest..and so much cell biology stuff with only a phd student supervising me…but all in all shud be a great opportunity..working in bio21…shud be one of those jobs those 3rd year ppl dying to honours with, let alone me, the teeny weeny 2nd year basically clueless bout research at all…still it was a great experience..and it was a bit amusing that he was impressed with my qualifications etc. which really is nothing big…

another fren of mine got this urop interview..which is realy really great…thou i dun hv his straight amazing results… i was reli hoping i cud land on with that interview too..then i’ll be deciding if i shud do mr paul’s or urop…haha…but tat’s if i get…which is quite impossible..

paul is realy realy nice..shud be great working with him..n that phd student robert…erm..shud be good enuf..at least he shud be easy to relate with n can be sorta mentor throughout my years here..well anyway…i’ll be doing about sum trans-golgi research for vesicle transport and protein targeting thingy…which most of u wun understand ,,,,sighh….reli cant wait to hv sum fun !!!=)

wel…now tat i got my work…n a salary…hehe…yup….i shall thk about tat hot air ballon trip..jus a last word…IT’S REALLY UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!

unbelievably stunned by how many ppl dropping me comments..and they can range so widely..haha..cool..

so thanx guys…

i never reli wanted to write a blog reali..but seems like after sum time..i lack a place or person or thing for me to confide in..so many feelings and thoughts surging through that if i dun channel them out i’ll be flooded..so guess this blog is my corner for venting out those emotions..hehe..

DHA..dreams hopes n aspirations..haha..i guess in no time my blog will be flooded with these..im not an expressive person, i dun like talking to ppl about my problems etc..looks like this blog is my first step to a world of expression.

just went over to union house to get an eel sushi..it’s a bit mushy and probably i drowned it with too much soy sauce, it’s reli not as nice as carol said it wud be..n further more costly..i like sushi cos it’s so cheap n it’s just the right amount for me..cant seem to finish those sixish dollars plate of rice/noodles cos i reli dun eat that much..just a waste..

enuf of sushis..now im stuck in monash road com lab doing my research on paul gleeson’s research..so that i strangle a few words out of my mouth when i meet him this tuesday..sigh..speaking of research work is rather depressing..god knows how many i have applied and how interestingly the same number of times i have been rejected..is it tat hard to get a research job??!!! and hello?? my marks are like one of the best that i have had throughout my uni time here..n.. i’ve finally been desperate enough to send thousands of emails to various ppl n only one replied (which is the above mentioned) and heck..my fren told me i might not be paid (slump!)

hopefully i see him tml and he wants to pay me….erm..$250 a week?? hehe..

n i was thinking i cud go for sum shopping + eating + spending spree once i get paid..n i promised carol her dinner..i hvnt forgotten..n tat morning/night i slept late i saw again those magnificent hot air balloons (5 of them!!) outside my window during sunrise..gosh..when can i be sitting in a hot air balloon and not in my room during sunrise?? i reli need to get my hand on that cash!! mark my words..if i earn enuf i’ll go on that hot air balloon trip ($400 it costs) before i leave aussie and whoever’s lucky enuf to be picked by me i shall take him/her on it to..haha..n till then..so sorry to the person who listens to carol and wants to make that hot air balloon stairway..too bad..i’ve been there!

so please give me that job!!!!!!!!!!!!!i need to fulfill summission here~~!!

huh..i shall do my genetics tute now…continue blogging later…(11.12am)

(after a while)….11.25am

better stop here..chat later!! =)

it’s 4am in the middle of the nite..so quiet n im again boiling water for my hot water bottle..not reli like it’s very cold now but i prefer to keep warm..jus wondering why it can be damn quiet when my roommate’s not playing any music and my laptop’s not either..

these days keep sleeping early n waking in the middle of the nite lik this feeling guilty cos not studying as much as i shud be..and it can be bit lonely when it comes to late times like this..i was jus scrolling down my msn list to have a chat but i guess evryone is asleep..for this instant wishing i hv a bf so i can jus wake sumone up with the reason "boring" to chat..sigh..too bad

sumtimes it’s reali farnee..that if i dun tel..no one else wil noe i’d ever wake up in the middle of the nite..not like at home..where member’s of the family will either stay up with me or wk up n see why im up so late..guess that’s why im alwis so attached to home..it’s like i never felt more secure and complete when im at home..the feeling of confidence and fearlessness always replenishes itself whenever im at home..

well mebe i hv to grow up.. i guess anyone who thinks that a person who left home for more than 3 years shudnt be that attached to their home..but alwis..when im away from home..first few days i reli feel bit missing home..but after that i dun quite remember so much about home..jus that when im feeling down or unhappy or lonely..thoughts will jus wander themselves back home..guess that’s why they call home a sanctuary..n i guess my home’s always my sanctuary..

the sanctuary i hope will never be demolished..the place where i find hope, love and happiness..and the place where i regain my faith in myself..im not a religious person and the strength that i have comes from those many years spent in my sanctuary..one day..if the members of this sanctuary are gone..and what is left is only an empty house..i reli wonder whatever would become of me..it’s like losing a religion for a religious person..i would have nothing to support me..and i wonder if i might lose it by then

guess it’s time i search for another sanctuary…the same feeling and comfort i can find in my home..but i never seem to have luck..the people i alwis meet..i never seem to to feel as safe or as comforting as home..i wonder how can i find my sanctuary?if it’s as easy as posting a notice on the board..haha..

far beyond the skies there lies a place..where a small little hut is surrounded by a flowering garden and a beach at one side..and an a lovely wooden swing cruising along with the seaside breeze..a little golden retriever running along my side..ever playful and joyful..and silhouetted against the glimmering sunlight..there stood a figure..this is my sanctuary..

where will my future sanctuary be?